


The Corporate Sponsor Gambit

by BlueCubes



Category: DR. SEUSS - Works, Rick and Morty, Steven Universe (Cartoon), The Lorax (2012), The Lorax - Dr. Seuss, Vinesauce (Video Blogging RPF), Yu-Gi-Oh!, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Card Games, Crack, Cussing, Gen, M/M, Murder, Original Character(s), Parody, Swearing, Wrestling, bad, stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 06:46:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11961909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCubes/pseuds/BlueCubes
Summary: The Once-ler made a bad decision involving a bootleg anti-virus from the depths of India, and he and his boo have to fix it.





	The Corporate Sponsor Gambit

It was a beautiful spring morning. The birds sang their songs, the grass was shiny with dew, and the sweet sound of screaming filled the atmosphere.

"SHIT SON THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW, BITCH!?" The Once-ler: Rancid Asshole Edition yelled, putting his arms up dramatically.

"I'm sorry, mate. I had to do what I had to do." Regular Wunce-lur frowned, staring at the billboard in front of them.

Large, lit-up, it was a sign featuring Protogent. The Fuck-ler had made a deal with him 

"I am Proto, Selling Thneeds is my Motto!" it said. Any shitter running down the street in their Lorax-Approved Mazda cars could see it. 

What a fucking mess.

This was a problem that could only be solved by one thing, fixing it.

"OKAY I KNOW WHAT TO DO. WE NEED TO CONTACT PROTO."

Super Why- I mean Proto materialized exactly 5 meterfeets (50% meter, 50% foot) in front of the businessman and the bad-decisionmaker.

"Hello. I have seen that you wanted to get rid of my corporate sponsorship."

The manly men were bamboozled into the ether on that fine day. The poorerererer Once-ler fell back from shock, but got up real fast.

"DELETE SPONSORSHIP" Greed-ler said.

"No can do Once-leroo" Proto smiled. He was happy.

"WHY THE FUCK NOT."

"Because I AM PROTO."

The ground shook, and the same speakers from the How Bad Can I Be? sequence rose up from the earth, blasting a spicy Proto rap for all the world to hear. Somehow, no one was deafened from it. It was playing at a good 75 decibels for everyone. Proto was so considerate of people's delicate ears! What a man!

Then the entire world started using Protogent Anti-Virus, the world's only anti-virus with data recovering, so you can dig up all those old pics of whoever you found hot in 2012, Madison.

"WELL THAT DIDN'T WORK." Greedy McFuckface-ler said.

The two little shits had to come up with something quick.

"Hey bud." The Once-let poked the Greedy Man's shoulder. "Let's just kill him, like we did the environment that one time." (This is a good AU where the Once-ler didn't fuck up permanently, because why not?)

"Aight B." The other said, grabbing a machine gun out of thin air like a goddamn video game character.

And so the odd couple were off to kill a bitch. The Greedler had his machine gun, and regular 11-ler (bilingual joke lololololol gotta know some Spanish to get it) carried an axe. They jogged over to India, where Protogent HQ is.

"EAT SHIT YOU BOOTLEG FUCKS." The bros shouted, slamming into the glass door.

"Those men are engaging in the wrong activities." a woman said, before the grey Once-ler chopped her head off like a Truffula tree. Tbh, he looked kinda hot doing it.

The Onces did up the whole hq, killing everyone but the Big Boss himself. Bureacracy must go.

The One and Only Once-boys went and summoned their mutual stand, "Rack City".

Rack City is a super cool and powerful stand. His special ability is to literally fucking shatter people like the Diamonds in Homeworld do to naughty Gems. In this AU, The Lorax and Steven Universe takes place in the same Universe. One could say its a Twoniverse. Or even a Fourniverse, or a Fornicationverse, because this is a giant fuckfest.

The bros and the shitty OC stepped into Proto's office. Proto smiled deviously, as he was also a stand user. Another godawful OC (do not steal) was summoned, "Protogent Rap". This stand can make people bleed to death from their ears.

The two stands went at it like two ladies mud wrestling. They played a really intense game of Yu-Gi-Oh, but Rack City got pissy and threw the cards off the table. They then screamed like a Mr. Meeseeks and mud wrestled, ignoring their og goal.

Speaking of Mr. Meeseeks, there was a Meeseeks Box on Proto's desk. The Greedler grabbed it, pressing the button.

"I'M MR. MEESEEKS! LOOK AT MEEEEE!" The Meeseeks screeched.

"MR. MEESEEKS, KILL PROTO." he whispered softly, gently placing the machine gun in his soft blue hands.

"CAAAAAAAN DOOOOOOOO!"

The Meeseeks killed Proto dead, blatting his ass down. Mr. Meeseeks, joyous about his imminent demise, poofed away.

With Proto on the ground, the boys cheered. They made out near his rotting, maggoty, grody ass corpse in celebration. They could reign again once(-ler) more.


End file.
